Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Redeem this text for a blowjob
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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