Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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