i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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