i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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