i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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