Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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