I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
