I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
