Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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