What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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