i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?