drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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