i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
