I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
