You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
