um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
