if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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