..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
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