so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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