I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
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Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
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I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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