That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Girls should come with a carfax report
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
