the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
