I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
