It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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