So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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