Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
