I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
