I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
