And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
