So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
