i want to swaddle you in tequila
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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