:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
