I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
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you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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