Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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