somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
pray to the hookup gods
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
