I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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