my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
