we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
