My room smells like vodka and shame
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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