My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
