thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
