i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
We are all done wearing pants today
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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