so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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