Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
