There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Randomize
