never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
