So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
All the doctor said was why
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
