After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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