he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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