Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
