I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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