Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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