I should be sponsored by Trojan
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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