I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
